So I wrote this poem today, and it really is mostly about Today with a capital "T". At least I got a good poem out of it! There are days when I am so stretched as a person, as a mother, and I'm not sure I can make it. But then I do, I believe in God and having a spiritual component of life, that this is all a part of the hopes I have for life, even though it's hard... and to think I am doing this all over again with another baby boy. :) He'll be arriving in late April/early May.

Take your time, sweetie.

Mornings

I take a step
a step
a step
and I am farther away from where I want to be,
from Who I’m supposed to be,
that person who I claimed and said
Yes! That Me! That’s the one!
This dream was handed to me— it’s a lived dream—
free filled days with here and there wanderings,
exploring the soul of this little one
who joins me on my expeditions of life. . . .
But then I wake up to
the creaking door and Mama!!!
No! I cradle my sleep— No!
Cries for Me, endless needing of Me,
the again again again of being needed.
The dark morning has me aching out of bed,
yielding to your sweetness.
And your laughter is there at the ready.
You change Me. You make Me.
To start, who am I but a terrible, mean soul?
Complaints aren’t permitted, privilege affords no such grace—
but still there are days that come when I ask—
How?
and How can I?
I’m not my own anymore, but I wanted it this way.
I wanted wholeness,
instead I’m emptiness breaking apart,
still believing that the puzzle that’s left over
will be more beautiful than anything I could have made on my own.

~Maritza Ruiz-Kim  ©2006

01/25/06
i might adjust this poem in the next long while, but I am being brave & posting the same day I wrote it!