Chutes & Ladders Life

So many ups & downs.

A bit more blood today. Still considered spotting.

But it sent me reeling with, "I'm probably not pregnant."

Because I had another negative stick test today.  7 days of urine stick tests, six of which were totally negative, one of which had a blue tinge. I am actually only laying on the couch today, in bedrest position, because what if I actually am pregnant, and the bit of extra bleeding was because I was on my feet so much yesterday?

Well, apart from all the reasons why I would be or why I wouldn't be, I have to say, I cried hard today. Because, I was perfectly happy with just two kids, at least inasmuch as I was looking forward to a trip to Europe sans kids, and thinking of teaching art classes from my home this Fall, and entering juried exhibitions to get my feet wet in doing my artwork again, and I generally had a life beginning to develop outside of child rearing, and that was exciting.

Then this happened, and it's rocked my world. Why have one accidental night AND be NINE days late and STILL have negative pregnancy tests? Why be on this ride?

And how stupid I will feel if this becomes a period. All free-flowing, and here I am bed-resting to protect a non-existent cell baby. I generally feel it's healthy to talk about what's going on in one's life, and so I talk about things more than not. However, I still have a thing for grieving on my own, or hurting alone, I mean, I need some space to figure out right from left, up from down, when my world is topsy turvy.

Anyway, Enn is waiting to play Chutes & Ladders with me. Here I go!