Why does a 37 day cycle happen out of the blue, when I had come to expect a 29 day cycle? I have no idea. God does things, life happens. But one thing I know is that it's a late cycle out of the blue last May that made me come to realize how much I wanted to have a 3rd child. Then in June/July, hubby & I had our fights deep discussions and came to realize that come our trip in August to Sweden, we'd have deeper discussions about if (& how) to grow our family. We had one of those discussions in the airport in Goteborg on our way back to Stockholm. I finally conceded that the cost of giving birth to another child was too great. GK wanted to look more closely at our adoption options. By September, we called and scheduled our appointment (my dates may be slightly off) and in October, our first appointment with the adoption agency. Just after, family pressures I didn't expect came on super hard, and although we continued our adoption classes in November, I became increasingly unsure that I could add another child to my family. December was a month of just deciding to wait until January & not make any decisions, but in my heart I deeply doubted that we would adopt. Then here we are, January. Just before the new year, GK told me he'd be really sad if we changed our minds on adoption, and while it didn't change my lack of faith, my heart was warmed by his hope for a daughter. Now this week, I started to realize that I was late, and might be pregnant, and what in the heck, my body again playing tricks on me. And again, here I am, having this "accident" of nature re-awakening in my heart the desire for a daughter.

I have spent a few days wondering- oh man, am I pregnant? Not obsessive, but, wondering, what if? And I realized (along with the new year bringing more peace, having a week of enjoying my kids more & being less unsettled) that it would be OK if I was pregnant. The having a child part would be OK, I mean. The pregnancy with surgery & physical pain? The after party of postpartum desperation? Not so much. But I felt so much relief that see!–we're meant to have a 3rd kid! I didn't have the faith anymore to choose it for myself. I wanted him to say Bam! you're having a kid.

Then I realized, perhaps this is God's way of speaking to me. Two late cycles that have been crucial in awakening the desire in me to have a daughter. Of course, adoption is the only way I can guarantee having a girl, besides all the other reasons GK & I realized that pregnancy is no longer an option for us.

So here I am: today I know for sure I am not pregnant, but today I am again wishing for a  daughter one day.