Artist & Writer, San Francisco Bay Area

Downs Along with the Ups

I don’t want any downs. I don’t want this for anyone.

The hard part of life.

The very hard part of life.

We are still working on our adoption process. It’s intense. Exciting. Knowing she may be out there, knowing that we are each headed down our own paths that will cross at some point in the next year or so, maybe sooner, maybe later, and she will be in our family. We told the boys today. Now they can pray for her. We are praying for her. I don’t know what circumstances will bring her to our family, but either now or later, it will be hard for her, to know what happened in her life. And I will be right there to walk her through it. And in the ways that I fail to precisely help her, I hope God is the one who brings meaning, hope, & love into her life to make sense of it all.

Right now I am dealing with what’s hard in my life. It’s very hard.

And the normal continues… things like making plans to help in Enn’s kindergarten class tomorrow. Dropping off baby boy clothes at the Salvation Army. Driving to my friend’s house to drop off borrowed luggage from our 2 months ago trip to Sweden. Having to stop at the nearest public restroom I could think of because Zee is yelling “pee pee! poo poo!,” and walking into the bookstore with him to hear him say, no, he doesn’t need to go to the bathroom “nooooo!!!!” So I forced him anyway. And he took book after book off the shelf, and we read book after book and then I decided the lesson of this outing would be to teach him to put back the books he takes out. I don’t want to be that parent, exiting a store and leaving behind a disaster. And Zee trips over a step and knocks over a large display. And he ping-pongs all over the children’s area until I finally swoop him up in my arms to head back out to the car. And he falls asleep on the way home. And I wake him up so he doesn’t lose out on his nap. And then he doesn’t fall asleep anyway once we get home. And the day goes on…. while all along I am thinking things that won’t go away….

p.s. of course our daughter will grow up knowing she didn’t grow in mommy’s tummy, but in my heart… but I mean, one day, she will have to know more about what brought her to the point of needing a new family, and that will be hard for her, sure, but the fact that we have loved her since before we knew her, that will be of some consolation, I hope…

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