The View from Here
August 16, 2008
Contra Costa County
I am so happy to be home. At least I think I am. It’s hard to feel too much when I am so tired.
So, even though I am stumbling through each of these past 3 days with my eyes half open, feeling like my feet are trudging through molasses as I walk, even so- happy to be home.
The boys are doing their testing things. Especially Enn, my oldest- I believe that his internal mantra must be “I can get more treats if I just….” and he keeps pushing it. Somehow, though, I feel like I am armed with more patience just to see him as the “five year old in need of teaching” that he is. GK is so much better at that than I am. I mean, the mercy part. I get the He Needs Structure part. I get disciplining and enforcing. But GK always remembers that he is just 5. GK sees the bigger picture and forgives Enn more. I have never been great at forgiving.
Last night GK & I crashed into bed again after putting the boys down to sleep. At 8:30pm I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. And then I was awake at 4am. Thinking about all the things that I have forgotten or done badly. A medical bill that needs to be followed up on! Enn starting kindergarten and what do I need to do? a friend that was supposed to hear from me about watching her kids! the 2 old friends who I said I’d call and now it’s been over 2 weeks! another medical bill that tops $500 and oh no what happened?!? the half-brother who finally wants to talk to me after all these years! then there’s my sister! I haven’t kept in touch with my sister enough. She is 15… almost?… of course I lose track all the time because I don’t want her to grow up so fast. I wish I could be this better sister that keeps in touch, but somehow, here I am, at 4am thinking about how I don’t play this role so well. I always meant to be better.
So, being home is about remembering all the real things I need to do, the real people that need remembering, and the real ways I keep forgetting.