August 4, 2008
We are over Lake Tahoe and looking down from the plane at the aqua green water.
Monday 9am San Francisco time
GK and I are sitting here at SFO waiting for our delayed flight to board. We left the house at 5:45am, with a stop at Starbucks (of course) and with many lingering feelings that we were forgetting something. While we identified that we did in fact forget our helpful Sweden information (maps, lists, etc) (oops) I think that what we really feel we are missing is our children.
It was just too easy to leave the house, too easy to hold my (light not heavy) carry on bags, too few snacks in my purse (none) and no jacket already mussed up from my boys wiping their hands on me. I’m too put together, and everything is just too tidy. Yes, I am missing my children.
But I am making sure to enjoy the fact that I am sitting here, waiting for my delayed flight, without having to entertain my wonderful little people, no concern over Zee’s volume as he tries out different made up songs that sound like growls and shrieks, and no negotiating with Enn about why he can’t to this, that, or that other thing. Yup, I do like the quiet.
I put Enn to bed last night, and we cuddled. His favorite latest game is “Baby Seal” where he is a newborn arctic seal and I am the mommy seal. This way he gets to lay next to me while I hold him close. Is this the way a five year old boy justifies being next to mama? I am happy for it.
He told me last night that he would cry this morning when he woke up. (I told him I would cry, too.) He knew that we’d be gone by then. Last time we traveled for this long (10 days) he was Zee’s age of just over 2 years old, and he didn’t seem to mind much. My mom said that after a few days, he asked for us, but then not much more after that. He missed us, but he was fine. Knowing him better now, he probably felt some things, but didn’t say much, perhaps it just sat in his heart as a question, a suspended wondering, maybe even some quiet sadness, of “Where are my parents?” But he pulled through just fine, and we came home just fine, and all was good.
I wonder about Zee. Will his fear of being separated from me, even in short spurts, bring about more sudden & dramatic effects? I can’t even walk in the opposite direction from him without him calling out for me desperately- I usually have to leave him creatively so he doesn’t feel the impact of my departure. (Is this the reason for his anxiety? But how can I placate my conscience with a proper goodbye, and leave Abuelita to deal with the terrible fallout? It’s too much for her.) I am thinking about him, and I pray for him to feel loved & protected & to be his usual happy self as we enjoy every second of our trip.
I just overheard a call where a man was speaking to his wife, and he was hearing from her that his flight out of Chicago has been cancelled. Uh oh. We are transferring in Chicago to our international flight to Stockholm.
Cancelled? What kind of storm is happening out of Chicago that would cancel us? I hope we’re okay.
Phew. Just heard that we are still boarding at our stated delayed time. I am hoping all will be well.