June 2, 2008
Wow, I am lucky.
I have these two amazing boys.
I am not sure what to write about, after nearly three weeks of pregnancy issues, but here I am. Just want to say that Enn finished his last day of preschool and is entering Kindergarten soon. I love our local school. Homeschooling is a thing of the past in my home, but I am looking forward to summer being a time when I can introduce exciting things to learn all on our own. I am looking forward to the Fall and seeing Enn in school & Zee in preschool, and who knows what the future holds. Maybe I will teach art. Maybe I will get my own artwork into some juried shows (or at least try.) Maybe I will have a great time in Sweden, even though it feels like going to Sweden means I am not pregnant (because I couldn’t have gone if I was, and so going to Sweden is mostly now because I am not pregnant.) I am starting to think I had an early miscarriage. Barely just a hint of life must’ve happened, since I had just a barely positive test just one day. Tests don’t say positive when there is no pregnancy. Miscarriage? Well, it doesn’t hit me that strong, as if I had this full blooming life happening that ended in no life at all.
It never fully bloomed into something, so I don’t feel that I lost an actual something… except for the fact that in a way, I do wish I had been pregnant so that this whole question of having more kids would have been decided for us. (For the record, I do want more, whereas GK is not so sure, and mostly thinks No, he does not want more.) Anyway, the door may be closing on that part of my life. GK is sorting through what he thinks and feels, since wanting more than two kids doesn’t come naturally to him. For me, it seems to come as a given thing- I do want more kids, a bigger family in the end- but the physical cost is so great for me. It does scare me.
Adoption seems more appealing when in addition to the lack of physical trauma, I could actually for sure adopt a girl, and I’d really like that.
If we were to grow our family more, no matter what, I have already decided that Zee must know how much I love him, and that it was not that he wasn’t enough for me that I would want a girl. I love both my boys so much, but I fear him feeling like some stop-over between my first born and the girl I always wanted to have. He is so full of life, he makes my life better, and I am sure he always will. Both my kids do. It’s just I fear for the middle child, since he’d be 2nd Boy, not first born or first boy. Not oldest or youngest.
Anyway, I may not have to worry about any of that.
My heart will break if GK doesn’t want more kids. But I know that God would get me through it, and I know with that kind of help, that I could have the complete picture of getting through it without bitterness in the end. It matters more to me that whatever GK and I do, we do it wholeheartedly & together, and that means sacrifice on both ends. In this case, it would be my sacrifice.
But I do have two amazing boys, and I am thankful for them. So different… both so spirited, but so different, and I love them so extremely much.