Artist & Writer, San Francisco Bay Area

My Little Family, Size Four, For Now

Just a few words here, I think.

So, it’s final.

I got my period this morning.


Relief? Sort of.  More like a strange leftover feeling.

Yesterday was my day to mourn this loss.

Today, I am set, resolved, accepting that this is not happening just right now.

Maybe next month? Next year? Ever?

Oh, I have no idea.  I don’t think I really knew how much I wanted more kids until now.  It’s not that I am sitting around wanting another high-risk pregnancy, needy sleepless infant, and postpartum depression. I was so sure about not wanting those things anymore that I didn’t see that underneath that, I still want more kids.

There’s adoption.  But I have enough friends who have adopted to know that it’s not an easy road, not all warm & fuzzy.  It’s hard hard work. Even if you adopt an infant, there is the waiting for full legal rights, and can you imagine how great I’d be at that? International adoption- so many legal hurdles and still lots of waiting while the infant/baby/child is cared for in a foster home/orphanage without perhaps any knowledge of the maternal health while pregnant…. I have heard of countries closing adoptions, or of waiting 6 months while the baby you know you are receiving is still in the care of another.  I have never wanted to shy away from adoption, it’s actually often been on my mind. But as I have come to know the realities of the process more, I am thinking, I may not be cut out for it.  Still, it’s not off the discussion table.

Then there is pregnancy.  Argh.  It’s so hard. But maybe if I go into it with eyes wide open, more so than last time?, and maybe since i could perhaps be more prepared?, maybe just a change of perspective could help? I did imagine- what if I had pregnancies where I could do all that I am doing now- being mom to my two kids, working on my stuff, living life… oh yeah, I would have another kid! That would be another 9 months free sailing and oh yeah I’d want to get pregnant again. Because things are so much easier just in the past month with the kids (i.e. with Zee), and if I could have another 9 months of “easy” (relatively, I know no one has a free ride), then just the 6 months of hardly any sleep but not be depressed…. Yes! I’ll take it!

But that is not me. It’s hard.  So, if I want more kids, then my body has to do this. And now, since I am not Accidentally Pregnant, I’d have to Choose it. Perhaps that’s just my hard luck, since I have so many other things going well for me. Everyone suffers in life. I have had my share, but life is fairly good now. So, a hard year and a half per kid. That’s life.

2 Replies to “My Little Family, Size Four, For Now”

  • I’m sorry to hear your news. But God knows what he’s doing, right? Maybe he just needed to help you get your heart in a place where you’d be ok with it going either way. You’ve still got plenty of time to grow your family, whether through adoption or pregnancy, even if now is not the time. We’ll still be praying for you guys though!

  • I know it’s a mixed blessing, finally getting your period after all this suspense. I’m sorry that it wasn’t a happier ending.

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