Maritza Ruiz-Kim

Artist, San Francisco Bay Area

Still Nothing, But Never Mind.

I’m just done with this. Another day of no blood, another negative test.  I’m done taking tests, done thinking I am pregnant, done thinking about every detail that I feel is happening to me.

I talked to the OB’s office, and they were kind enough to schedule an ultrasound for me, even though it’s just for my peace of mind & not medically necessary.  She said that in the end, what spotting I have had may be an abnormal cycle, and that I might have to chalk it up to that.  Abnormal period seems an understatement. Because it was barely there. More like non-existent.

It’s hard for me to understand why this has been so hard for me.  I have been told before that I might have cancer, and I had more peace about it as I awaited results than I have had about this.  I have been pregnant then had major bleeding, and waited over a week for what should have taken place immediately- an emergency cervical cerclage surgery (to keep me from miscarrying.)  And I didn’t have frustration like this.

One thing that might make it hard is that for finding out crucial information, there is usually a timetable.  “We’ll know in 2 days whether or not you have Hodgkin’s Disease.” (I didn’t.) “We’ll know after this x-ray if your baby boy’s leg is broken.” (It was.) And there have been other experiences, but I can’t sum them up right now.  But with this, it’s- wait for your period to come… or not. Take another urine test. Negative. You can wait a week and test & be more sure, but you feel nagged in your brain that you might find out earlier if you test now.

Anyway, I am done with this.  I am done feeling jerked around by my body.  I hate pregnancy tests.  If I am ever pregnant again (note to self) “PLEASE don’t take pregnancy tests until you’re a week late!”

I’m going to say I am not pregnant.

And I will write about my ultrasound on Thursday, when they can tell me in 3 ways that I’m not pregnant: urine test, ultrasound, and blood test.

How fun that will be.

I’m asking God about this: “Things were going so good, God why did you have to rock my world?” And at the same time- “Things were hard enough as it is, why did you have to rock my world?”

2 Replies to “Still Nothing, But Never Mind.”

  • Ucccch, I’m sorry about all of this, and this annoying suspense for you. Of course it’s been nervewracking! I wonder what your uterus is up to, fooling around like this. My polyp used to play “fun” tricks, but that was after my period. Keep us posted.

  • Hang in there. All I can say is…”Love You!” I’ve been bleeding off & on for about 4 weeks now, so I’m never sure which week is my actual period. So frustrating! 🙁

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