Still Nothing, But Never Mind.
May 27, 2008
I’m just done with this. Another day of no blood, another negative test. I’m done taking tests, done thinking I am pregnant, done thinking about every detail that I feel is happening to me.
I talked to the OB’s office, and they were kind enough to schedule an ultrasound for me, even though it’s just for my peace of mind & not medically necessary. She said that in the end, what spotting I have had may be an abnormal cycle, and that I might have to chalk it up to that. Abnormal period seems an understatement. Because it was barely there. More like non-existent.
It’s hard for me to understand why this has been so hard for me. I have been told before that I might have cancer, and I had more peace about it as I awaited results than I have had about this. I have been pregnant then had major bleeding, and waited over a week for what should have taken place immediately- an emergency cervical cerclage surgery (to keep me from miscarrying.) And I didn’t have frustration like this.
One thing that might make it hard is that for finding out crucial information, there is usually a timetable. “We’ll know in 2 days whether or not you have Hodgkin’s Disease.” (I didn’t.) “We’ll know after this x-ray if your baby boy’s leg is broken.” (It was.) And there have been other experiences, but I can’t sum them up right now. But with this, it’s- wait for your period to come… or not. Take another urine test. Negative. You can wait a week and test & be more sure, but you feel nagged in your brain that you might find out earlier if you test now.
Anyway, I am done with this. I am done feeling jerked around by my body. I hate pregnancy tests. If I am ever pregnant again (note to self) “PLEASE don’t take pregnancy tests until you’re a week late!”
I’m going to say I am not pregnant.
And I will write about my ultrasound on Thursday, when they can tell me in 3 ways that I’m not pregnant: urine test, ultrasound, and blood test.
How fun that will be.
I’m asking God about this: “Things were going so good, God why did you have to rock my world?” And at the same time- “Things were hard enough as it is, why did you have to rock my world?”