Artist & Writer, San Francisco Bay Area

Chutes & Ladders Life

So many ups & downs.

A bit more blood today. Still considered spotting.
But it sent me reeling with, “I’m probably not pregnant.”
Because I had another negative stick test today.  7 days of urine stick tests, six of which were totally negative, one of which had a blue tinge. I am actually only laying on the couch today, in bedrest position, because what if I actually am pregnant, and the bit of extra bleeding was because I was on my feet so much yesterday?
Well, apart from all the reasons why I would be or why I wouldn’t be, I have to say, I cried hard today. Because, I was perfectly happy with just two kids, at least inasmuch as I was looking forward to a trip to Europe sans kids, and thinking of teaching art classes from my home this Fall, and entering juried exhibitions to get my feet wet in doing my artwork again, and I generally had a life beginning to develop outside of child rearing, and that was exciting.
Then this happened, and it’s rocked my world. Why have one accidental night AND be NINE days late and STILL have negative pregnancy tests? Why be on this ride?
And how stupid I will feel if this becomes a period. All free-flowing, and here I am bed-resting to protect a non-existent cell baby. I generally feel it’s healthy to talk about what’s going on in one’s life, and so I talk about things more than not. However, I still have a thing for grieving on my own, or hurting alone, I mean, I need some space to figure out right from left, up from down, when my world is topsy turvy.
Anyway, Enn is waiting to play Chutes & Ladders with me. Here I go!

2 Replies to “Chutes & Ladders Life”

  • Chutes and Ladders indeed — this late cycle has got you (and me!) on pins and needles. It is interesting how it’s sent you into a tailspin. But I don’t want to accidentally encourage you here into getting pregnant (if you aren’t now), just because I want a TTC-buddy. Anyway, I’m just noticing how you have fallen so in love with a potential zygote, and wondering if that might be the message in this whole thing.

    Also, we’re going to have to work on Z. and the babies, before you might add to your family.Now that he’s a little man with his haircut and everything, he’s ready to tackle “being gentle with the babes.”

  • As much as I poke fun at you I know this IS really hard. It’s really a huge deal, life changing, and I don’t think you are acting difrently than most people would. I hope soon you will have more solid answers.

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