Rollercoasters of the Third Kind
May 20, 2008
I can’t stand it anymore.
I am stunted in my ability to create anything because all I can think about is am I pregnant.
Am I pregnant? Third pregnancy!?
It could have happened.
It started out with thinking, oh nooooo, we could possibly end up being…. what if I am…. what would I do if….
Because, my whole life would change.
We do not want this right now, at least that’s what I thought before it happened.
And after a complete half hour of shock “what have we done????” and after thinking through how we’d be canceling our Europe trip, canceling or Tahoe trip, canceling just about anything extracurricular and fun because yes, I have high-risk pregnancies. So after all that, I think, well…. what if I had a girl this time. And maybe this is my only chance to have another kid. When would we ever CHOOSE to have another at a specific point in time? I want a bigger family, but I can’t see myself with a brood of babies just now. But I did want at least 3 kids home from college during the holidays….
Anyway, if I am pregnant, my life as I know it would be over.
I have been thinking and thinking about getting into gallery work again, not just making things, but making things with the anticipation of having it shown to the public! My life was about to come back.
I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Enn going to kindergarten, Zee soon in preschool, at least 2 solid consistent times a week for me to get things done, like um, art.
Diapers almost over.
And then this happened.
And the roller coaster fires up, and I am thrown inside with hardly a moment to strap myself in.
Wait, I wanted more kids, but not yet! I wanted more kids, but not more pregnancy!
It’s too hard! Bedrest, isolation, limits upon limits about everything I want to do.
Kids needing me, and not being there for them because “No, mommy can’t pick you up, no, mommy can’t fetch your snack.”
Sure I have help from my mom. What would I do if not for her? I shudder to think. Yet she has polymyalgiarheumatica, PMR- you can think of it as a kind of fibromyalgia. She can’t do this all on her own.
Enter a nanny, a maid. Expensive expensive..
I have friends at the ready to help me.
And then back to: well, I did want more kid(s)… I am not sure GK would’ve really embraced bringing more children into our family if not for a happy accident.
But what if, maybe a girl, huh? Maybe?
Wait- what am I losing out on again? No!
Therein lies the roller coaster.
So, with thought provoking & heart helping from my friends, I am hoping I am stabilizing. Maybe on the coasting nicely part of the ride?
But I am not off.
Because I took an at home test yesterday (Mon) morning, and it was NEG.
I took a blood test in the afternoon, results came in tonite (will tell in a sec.)
I took another at home test this morning, & saw the slightest faintest hint of blue that I have seen twice before with Enn & Zee. The pre-quel to a positive. But GK couldn’t see the color.
BUT I FEEL PREGNANT.
I know I have a strong, very strong mind/body connection, so there you go. How trustworthy is this?
Tonite, the call from the Dr. Blood test: NEG. totally.
But then I told her what could be the conception date, and she said- May 23rd is the day to test.
It’s too early at this point.
Just as I suspected, Fri will be two weeks since this whole thing began.
I’m gonna take morning tests Wed, Thur, AND Fri.
If I have the blue line, calling in for an appointment is a go.
Because I just have to know.
Do I have to stop nearly all activity, such as walking around my house, starting now? What’s the deal with my stupid pregnancy problems anyway?
Because what I really want to know, is, third time around, do things have more of a possibility of just falling out before my 12 week cerclage surgery?
Or do I get to go to Europe this summer?
Ah…. join me in this journey of life. How sweet it is.
EDIT: This is what started the whole adoption question possibility.